CTs

Life's so much better now :D So much more discipline, so many more tasks completed every day, and I go to sleep happy knowing that I've done something productive :)

Spain won last night :D First time I watched Spain play, and I must say I'm really impressed. They seriously played super well last night, Germany hardly had a chance.

And so far we've already gotten back Chem, Physics MCQ, and Music compo and paper. Physics I think I bottomed the class again, class average 78% wtheck, I got 11/20, I don't think anyone fared worse. I know my section B is seriously screwed, so think Physics will probably fail this time again.

Chem I improved by 50%, from 32% to 48%, but that's still a fail. Sigh. But I'm really super happy for Brent. 107% improvement :DDD And other people like Shangxuan, Michelle and Eliz. I shall join your ranks really soon :)

Music is quite epic. I bombed Chinese music, the only section which I believe I have an edge over the rest D: I couldn't find my pipa notes before the exam so I didn't study the notation and that's 3 marks gone. And I made some stupid mistakes here and there, like the ban meter which I went to invent my own term. Sigh, totally could have gotten like 18 for this section. Gamelan was a total flop cos I didn't study Javanese at all. 5/20 is really T__T So currently, music looks like its going to be a C.

Okay on to compo. I bottomed the class, and I think I deserved it :'(

ct2

Math confirm fail. Chem should fail. Physics might fail. Music should pass.

I hate my efficiency. On the last day of school, I drew up a nice revision schedule that I believe should prepare me well enough to get my first A for Math, Music and Physics, and at least a B for Chem. The first week went well. The second week first 3 days went well also. Then I started composing my music techniques and everything just went haywire. I spent a total of 12 days on composing, the first 4 days were just completely stoning. On the 5th day I wrote 4 bars. And then finally over the next 7 days I finished writing 3 techniques. By then, it was 4 days to CTs. Fml.


Okay but something quite disturbing happened on Tuesday night. I was mugging physics and suddenly felt quite dizzy and took a break. That was when I realized that the rightmost one quarter of my eye became blurry and I cannot see anything. Its like when you’re looking at something on top of a flame, the image is wavy and distorted.

I had similar occurrences before. The first time was on 29th August 2008. Second time was in 2009, Chinese New Year’s eve. It seems to happen once a year -.- The pain is so bad that I seem to recall all the past times where I had it.

And yup due to the distorted vision, I had a really excruciating headache. I really felt like ripping my head apart. You just imagine, if suddenly your vision is distorted, like you’re looking everything upside down instead, I think you’ll go crazy too. Okay but from past experiences, I knew that all should be well after a sleep, and so I went to bed right away.

The time was 10:30pm then, but the pain was so unbearable I couldn’t sleep. I came out of bed at about 11:30, applied some funny medicated oil and went to bed again. It didn’t help. At 3:30, I woke up again, and that was when I vomited. Twice.

T_T

I finally went to bed at about 4:30am. I was quite prepared to pon physics CT the next day alr. But my damn alarm rang at 6:30, and I woke up to find most of the pain gone. So even though I still felt quite feeble, I went to school and did the CT.

Sigh I really hope it doesn’t happen again. Distorted vision + headache is like the worse thing anyone can go through. I already have a long lasting eye disease known as floaters, meaning I see translucent gray dots and lines all over my vision, and they float around. Its like a shadow, when you try to look at them, then they’ll dart away. You keep trying to zoom in on them, and they keep moving. Quite a stupid pastime to do when you’re bored.

Yeah I told the eye doctor during my NS checkup and he diagnosed me and said its okay. This wavy vision distortion + headache thing seems to be something else, but even though its quite painful, it hardly happens.

I think I'm starting to become gradually blind. The number of floaters seems to be increasing. It used to be only 1 floater at about p1, and I thought its quite fun to play with trying to look at it -.- Then over the years it shot up so much I think I lost count. There should be around 20 or more dots and strands of floaters in my visions now. And floaters is a syndrome for retina detachment, which = blindness. Hopefully it won't happen though, the NS eye doctor say it shouldn't.

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If I become blind one day, how would my life be? Thank goodness I've been blessed with studying this thing called music that I can still listen to. I think I can still play cello if I'm blind. Can I still compose? And are there any blind conductors out there? (I think that would be really cool)

Actually to some extent I think sight is a sense that is quite a hindrance in certain areas, especially when it comes to music. Remove that sense and just use your ears, you find that you suddenly pick up so much more. You find that you're able to immerse yourself totally in this realm of sound, attaining new levels of perfection and emotional fulfilment that you've never experienced. And you paint your very own world in your mind, unobstructed by the faults and blemishes you see in the real world today.

Life is so much more pure, innocent, and authentic.

the sky has fallen

This is my fourth time using this title. But it will be the last time I'm using it :)


I felt so devastated today after music technique tutorial class. Our technique compos were returned to us, and I totally flopped. My music grade dropped from B to C to D, and at 52% overall, it is safe to say that I came in last in class again for another subject.

When I got U for Chem, I was indifferent, because I expected it.
When I got S for Physics, I was slightly dissapointed, but I know I deserved it.
But getting a D and 0% percentile for Music is just so overwhelming.

I've been trying so hard to prove myself, to show Mrs Chee and Mr Gooi that they did the right thing when they accepted my appeal to take music last year. To show that I am on par with the rest of the music students, and not inferior. To show that I do have the right to pursue this subject which I love so much.

But I still flopped.

If this happened last year, I would have wanted to hide in some remote corner and just cry. But I guess after all the setbacks that I have suffered this year, especially during the music fest ordeal, I know that I cannot crumble, but got to grit my teeth and just stand up again. And so I emoed for around 10 minutes during the walk from Music room to Physics prac room and then life goes on.

Lots of things went through my mind during that 10 minutes, but I think the most important takeaway is that to attain a goal, first you've got to want it really really badly.

Here's a story I heard last year that I still remember and I guess its applicable now:
A guy wanted to be successful in life, and so he went to a wise man and asked him how he could attain success. The wise man brought the guy to the beach and asked him to wade out into the water. When the water level was around their necks, the wise man suddenly pushed the guy into the water and held him there. He continued to hold him under water until he saw that the person could not take it anymore, and then he released him.

Back at the shore, the wise man asked the guy, "What did you think about when you were held underwater?" The guy replied, "Nothing, I just wanted to breathe!" The wise man then smiled and said, "Yes, think about that feeling. When you want something as badly as you want to breathe, that's when you wll attain success. "

Like how I felt for music fest and my birthday variations compo last year. When you find that you really want it so badly, you'll naturally put in the effort and give your 110% to get it.

And for this CT, it dawned upon me that I didn't want the results that badly. I already had a preconceived mindset that I'll do badly and there's still CT2 later on. I barely studied my Physics, and I got lowest in class, I hardly studied Chem, and I got second lowest in class. Music was so rushed and completely filled with last minute work, and I got lowest in class as well.

But after today, I know that I really want that A for Music, for Math, for Physics, for Chem and for GP. Its going to be an uphill process, nothing ever comes easy, but when I want something as badly enough as I want to breathe air, I know that I will be able to do it.

As expected I got a U for Chem. Music is currently hanging at a B, with a surprise 14/30 for Commentary (i expected to get worse) and a slightly disappointing 16/20 for Chinese music. I can't believe Mr. Yu marked me down on my description of a Guzheng T_T Anw when technique compos and my epic essay come back, I should drop to a C.

At 10/28 for Physics MCQ, Physics look set to be a S or U as well. Chem remedial is on Monday, and clashes with H3 music, but I think Mrs Poh told Bon that we can go for the Thursday one. Willette told me yesterday the Chem teachers purposely make remedial clash with H3 so that you'll drop your H3 -.-

Sigh I really need to work hard for CT2 and start seeing As. I can't believe I haven't gotten a single H2 A at all in my 15 months in this school. If I don't start seeing As its going to be so hard to see them in the future. Need to like CT2 all As, Prelims all As then A-levels you'll feel safer :) Imagine if up till Prelims and you still haven't seen a single A at all, when A-levels come you'll be panicking like siao.

Main agenda for this month is H3 essay, August MEP concert compo, Piano Ensem concert, Chamber concert and CO concert. All music related :) Yes it will be a busy month, but I hope I can accomplish all of them :)

And Manchester United lost today. Hope they can still overtake Chelsea and win the title :) I've been supporting them since the time when Charlton, Southampton, Leeds, and Newcastle were still in the EPL :D I remember Newcastle got 3rd place for one season, but that was so long ago.

CTs

okay this is kinda outdated, but CTs are screwed to the max.

Music
I went in for this paper without listening to the recordings of the focus works at all. The last time i heard Appalachian Spring was during our lecture in January, and that wasn't the entire thing, and the last time I heard Shostakovich's 5th was last year T_T I only managed to read up a bit of Copland and revise last year's stuff a little (like in 1 hour) and sit for the paper.

Chinese music listening was really quite easy. It was a guzheng piece, and yes i'm grateful for my exposure to CO music, the fact that i used to play the guzheng, and my mum playing guzheng cds every weekend morning :D i heard the piece like a hundred times before alr, this section went quite well :D

Commentary was screwed, I didn't link to the focus works, and I wrote a lot of superficial and unrelated random points T_T

And yes the essay. This one is king. I interpreted the question wrongly, don't ask me how i did it. Entire essay gone. Its totally out of topic, like a person entering the wrong toilet. And in both cases you face dire consequences.Probably will get like 4/30 or smth.

Plus my practical exam which was 3 days after music fest totally flopped. So did free compo. Sigh, I'm really expecting a "D" for music this time. Paper itself I should get a S or U.

Math
Okay this is one of papers which i prepared for with my few free days in the March hols. Some blanks here and there, but should be able to get a "B"?

Chem
Okay this one is confirm a "U" T_T Section B [25m] practically entire thing blank. Section A MCQ is like random choosing. Section C i left super a lot of blanks as well, but the 9m elucidation question actually went quite well O.o that was the first time i did an elucidation qn in my life.

Basically i didn't know how to do 80% of the paper. I was MIA for majority of Feb due to music fest, and the night before exam my lecture notes still had blanks and I had to mug Halogen Derivatives, Hydroxy compounds and Carbonyl compounds from scratch. Teach me how to mug and learn everything in 6 hours :)

Physics
Like Chem, i only started preparing for this paper the day before, i.e. after my chem paper T_T had to learn Electromagnetism from scratch also. Okay this paper actually felt worse than chem, cos Chem paper is like don't know how to do means really don't know how to do. Physics i got a slightly better grasp, then its like can do but can't remember how to do. And that happened for like 70% of the paper.


Sigh..

Currently my prediction for GP,Phy,Chem,Math,Music is B,E,U,B, D
T_T I wonder how my parents are going to react.


On a side note Piano ensem camp was quite fun today :D And April's going to be hell once more

on hiatus

it's time to mug :)