the sky has fallen

This is my fourth time using this title. But it will be the last time I'm using it :)


I felt so devastated today after music technique tutorial class. Our technique compos were returned to us, and I totally flopped. My music grade dropped from B to C to D, and at 52% overall, it is safe to say that I came in last in class again for another subject.

When I got U for Chem, I was indifferent, because I expected it.
When I got S for Physics, I was slightly dissapointed, but I know I deserved it.
But getting a D and 0% percentile for Music is just so overwhelming.

I've been trying so hard to prove myself, to show Mrs Chee and Mr Gooi that they did the right thing when they accepted my appeal to take music last year. To show that I am on par with the rest of the music students, and not inferior. To show that I do have the right to pursue this subject which I love so much.

But I still flopped.

If this happened last year, I would have wanted to hide in some remote corner and just cry. But I guess after all the setbacks that I have suffered this year, especially during the music fest ordeal, I know that I cannot crumble, but got to grit my teeth and just stand up again. And so I emoed for around 10 minutes during the walk from Music room to Physics prac room and then life goes on.

Lots of things went through my mind during that 10 minutes, but I think the most important takeaway is that to attain a goal, first you've got to want it really really badly.

Here's a story I heard last year that I still remember and I guess its applicable now:
A guy wanted to be successful in life, and so he went to a wise man and asked him how he could attain success. The wise man brought the guy to the beach and asked him to wade out into the water. When the water level was around their necks, the wise man suddenly pushed the guy into the water and held him there. He continued to hold him under water until he saw that the person could not take it anymore, and then he released him.

Back at the shore, the wise man asked the guy, "What did you think about when you were held underwater?" The guy replied, "Nothing, I just wanted to breathe!" The wise man then smiled and said, "Yes, think about that feeling. When you want something as badly as you want to breathe, that's when you wll attain success. "

Like how I felt for music fest and my birthday variations compo last year. When you find that you really want it so badly, you'll naturally put in the effort and give your 110% to get it.

And for this CT, it dawned upon me that I didn't want the results that badly. I already had a preconceived mindset that I'll do badly and there's still CT2 later on. I barely studied my Physics, and I got lowest in class, I hardly studied Chem, and I got second lowest in class. Music was so rushed and completely filled with last minute work, and I got lowest in class as well.

But after today, I know that I really want that A for Music, for Math, for Physics, for Chem and for GP. Its going to be an uphill process, nothing ever comes easy, but when I want something as badly enough as I want to breathe air, I know that I will be able to do it.