100th post!

And today I shall just be reflecting about myself again, not about my grades, my cca, my cello playing, but just my inner self.

Today's Sexuality Education workshop was more of a Character Development workshop than anything else. Coupled with the video the principal showed us at the start of the day, I guess today is one day where I really sat down and reflected about myself.

Right at the start, I actually found Candice's attitude and tone rather annoying and childish, and since I was sliced in between 2 cynics, i.e. JL and Kenneth, I thought I cannot get on 4 hours like that. I just thought of being a "tourist" and just "stand and see".

But as the talk went on, I realised that many of these things are really applicable to me, and I started to be more “Happening”. The topic that I felt was closest to me was the low self-esteem.

The kitten looks into the mirror and sees itself as a lion. Hong Rui looks in the mirror and calls himself “noob”.

At home, I’m a useless, blur, disorganized, forgetfull, good-for-nothing, stupid and incapable person to my mum. And she keeps comparing my brother to myself and say that I’m inferior (to my YOUNGER brother dammit), thus slowly decreasing my self-esteem day by day. HCL B4, GPA, music exams, and every single small detail like forgetting where I placed my wallet (at home -.-‘’’) and she will blow it up and tell me down in front of the whole family.

Am I no son of yours mum? I don’t want to raise my voice at you but often I had no chance. It hurts me more than it does to you, really. If I avoided you and went to the toilet instead you will say I’m cowardly. You never believed and trusted anyone wholly. I’m never right am I? And you are? I have never heard you said “sorry” for over 16 years. It’s never your fault. It’s always daddy, or I isn’t it?

*A drop of tear falls on the desk while the silent sound of slow typing continues*

I feel a sense of closeness to my dad, and only my dad, not my mum. It’s like both of us are helpless victims of her self-esteem-lowering-assaults. I think their “love” relationship is also on thin ice.

How I hope my mum could have attended this 4-hour workshop in RJC.

Subconsciously, all these “noob”, “suans”, and my mum’s comments has been affecting me for a very long time. I find myself comparing with everyone else, and I find myself lacking in so many areas. Today when I was talking to Shimin, the cheerful rgs prefect, I find that I cannot name my strengths but I was quick to admit my weaknesses, the #1 being my lack of confidence.

Glossophobia. That’s the official term for fear of speaking in public and trying to speak. In primary school, I don’t think I was that bad. I was still able to speak quite freely without stammering much. However in primary 6, I had an operation on my tongue, as I was born tongue-tied, and my mum said that it was affecting my speech. Thus, the operation was supposed to help me get rid of that problem, but since that time, I have been using that as a stupid excuse.

Every time I have an oral presentation to do, I will think about my speaking problems and then get nervous and screw up. Then when the teacher approaches me, I will tell him or her that I had a tongue operation in P6 and it is affecting my speech. It was just such a convenient excuse.

The final trigger came to me somewhere in sec 3. I met Aloysius, who was my sec 3 primary school mate (I had 3 primary school =P and that year he got top in level while I got 4th) So I started engaging in a conversation with him, but for some reason my mouth was already automatically tensing up and stammering, and so my words were quite inaudible.

Then Aloysius faced me and imitated what I said, like “gurgurgurgurgurgurgur”, and then went off. That made me really really embarrassed, and my Glossophobia kicked in full steam from that time onwards.

Right now, in decreasing order of fluency, the people I’m most comfortable to talking to is: Myself, family members, close friends, close relatives, friends, strangers, distant relatives, girls. And coincidentally, the list tallies with the frequency I speak to these people.

I’m always the guy who chooses to sit alone rather than with everyone else because I’m afraid of talking with people. I buy from the drinks machine because I will stammer while talking to the stall uncle. Deep down inside, my boggart will be someone who mocks back in my face the way I stammers. Aloysius’ case was the first, but I will make it the last.

From now on, I shall stop calling myself “noob”. The secret to Jinghui’s success is because everyone calls him “imba” and he feels confident about the things he does. Like I mugged 5 times harder than him for EOYs last year but he still owned everyone because I doubt my own ability and get nervous whereas the “imba” will always do well.


Having a high self esteem, building relationships, mirroring and matching, understanding love and questioning one's beliefs. All these things are important things that will guide us far in life.

I’m going off to bed now, but I probably won’t sleep for a long time until I sort of my thoughts, my goals, my beliefs, what I really want, and what I am going to do. Even if it takes me till the end of the month to sort these things out I’m going to do it.

RI(JC) is a new start. I’m going to shrug off my past, my glossophobia, my inferiority complex, and start anew. I’m going to laugh 100 times a day, hopefully all of them with friends and company, and I am going to be more confident and not be nervous and get stage fright anymore. Aloysius is in “Bayley 1” too, and someday soon I’m going to find the confidence to start conversing with him and everyone else, even the girls too. But it takes both hands to clap too, so next time you see a tall, skinny guy sitting at the end of the table in the canteen with his head looking down and pretending to enjoy his food as his is not confident of making the first move, approach him and say hi (: It will brighten up his day.