That's blown it.

After screwing up my cello exam last week, I just repeated history during today's MEP eoy prac. (Ouch but this time mainly my fault lah >.<) Before I left the room, I glanced over Ms Goh's shoulder to see her giving me a 6 and 7 in the first 2 sections

my overall grade is probably less than 35/50, around 33-34 i think. Argh! So now I have to go full steam for MEP written EOYs..

95/100? Possible? Probable?

I really don't get it.. why is it that I can practise cello 2 hours a day to near-perfect, and then make a big flop in the actual performance? MEP is the only subject I wanted a 4.0 so badly for, and I can't even fulfil my wish.

Now this leads me to another question. Should I take MEP in JC?

My heart says yes. I do love the subject.
My mind says no, its not feasible.
My body says cmi.
Dennis says no.
My mum doesn't say anything, but her actions hints a no.
Ms Goh doesn't look convinced.

But still, my heart says yes. Actually I'm not sure.

2 of my friends are already dropping music to go for P.C.M.E. Should I do the same?

The only bloody reason why my piano still stands in my living room is because I'm still taking music while my sister and brother have dropped them a few years ago. I'm not good at composing. I suck at practical. I'm not a committed mugger. Is music the path for me? Its like 心有余而力不足. Look at most of the people taking MEP in JC, Thomas Ang, Shawn Neo, Adriel Chang, and Jon Shin. They are all good at their practical and stuff, and already have like 1 foot across the boundary to their music careers.

So what is someone like me, the CelloLoser who cannot even bow his cello properly in straight lines doing in there?

9 years of learning music. Should I just give it all up just like that? At least 10k has already been invested in me during these 9 years.

Ok lets just say I keep my choices open and I take P.C.M.Mep. That keeps my other interest in engineering open too. But that is a hell lot of work. Balancing 2 hardcore sciences, maths, and the most taxing subject in the whole JC syllabus - MEP.

Really, should I take it? Am I able to make sure I come home everyday at 7pm, eat dinner/bathe until 8pm, practise the cello and piano until 10pm, then mug my other subjects until 1-2am? Am I able to do this everyday for the year?

I've made the mistake of dropping the subjects I loved (i.e Geog and Bio) in sec 3 to opt for subjects I THOUGHT i could do better in. Will I be making the same mistake? But will I be making a bigger mistake to hold on to this seemingly unstable "passion" of mine, only to drop it some time later?

We are always told to follow our hearts, but what if my heart is wrong? I am an easily influenced person (ahem Dennis) with terribly weak willpower. I'm not sure how long I can hold on to this combi.

Any suggestions?

Damn it, the throbbing headache that I got during 29th August is sort of back..